Bont XI vs Abermule

Bont XI vs Abermule

Despite most of Mid Wales looking like the set of the film Waterworld, no surface water was present on the field at Bont FC as they took on Powys weirdos Abermule in the only remaining fixture in the league. 

The changing room was full, as a squad of 15 got changed. Singer not song-writer Dewi Sion Evans asked manager Rhodri Morgans if he'd asked for a squad for Christmas. If he did, Santa gave him the Lidl version or a buy one get one free from the January sales.

In a game dominated mainly by football, Bont were in the missionary position throughout. They took the lead after a Dewi Sion Evans thunderbolt rebounded off the keeper who couldn't catch an STD in Bangkok. The 1st man to react was cuddly striker Gethin Evans who slid in from 5 yards to score.

The 1st half finished after roughly 45 minutes of mediocre football. Abermule were left waiting as they were locked out of the away changing room because their only supporter had the key. He was otherwise occupied, busy buying one of the few remaining Bont FC 2014 naked calendars to hang up in his kitchen.

The pitch turned to mush in the 2nd half, and the only remaining strands of grass were taken away by environmentalists to be examined and cloned.

After some solidarity and persistence, Bont got their 2nd, with Andrew Gilbert scooping the ball home like it was Ben and Jerry's from close range. Bont goal 3 was scored by Trevor Jenkins. It was as untidy as a teenagers' bedroom, with the hopeless keeper dropping the ball and Jenkins drilling a low shot in from the penalty spot.

Abermule never looked like scoring, and possessed as much threat as a starfish. Keeper Sion Jones could have spent the whole game rolling cigarettes. On one occasion, centre half Ceri Jenkins blocked a shot which hit him right in the love handle, causing a massive bruise on his ribs. Physio Claire sprayed it with freeze spray and told him to let her know what colour his piss was just incase. That was the only chance the hicks from North Powys had in the 2nd half. The Abermule number 8 had had enough of been marked out of the game and threw a punch late on. Like an active tampon he saw red, and was disposed of in the sanitary bin provided. It spoilt the game a bit in the same way a pip spoils a good tangerine segment.

Late on, a dark cloud circled from the Ystrad Meurig end and the village of Bont turned as dark as the inside of Hollister. It then proceeded to hail a lot, but then the whistle went and Bont XI had won their first game of the season with a beautiful rainbow overlooking the field.

The celebrations were muted, mainly because everyone had forgotten what it was like to win. They say that momentum is key in sport, and the fact that Bont have a week off next week is slightly annoying, but a game away against twats from Kerry, near Newtown in 2 weeks will be something to look forward to.

Final Score - Bont XI 3 - Abermule 0

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