Bont XI vs Newbridge-on-Wye

"For fuck sake, not Newbridge again" and "Don't you play them every other week?" are common phrases heard around the village of Bont, but not all of the time, only every other week when we play Newbridge.

The amount of humans required to make a full football team is 11, and like a second rate naval fleet, Bont turned up to battle without any subs. Manager Rhodri Morgans rocked up with a new haircut, prompting strong rumours that he'd taken a picture of Chunk from the Goonies into Evolas hairdressers in Aberystwyth. This started a debate, with captain Owain Schiavone saying "You can't get your haircut or shave on matchday - it's bad luck" Everyone stared back at him in disbelief at this bollocks, many with clean shaven faces and a few new hairdos. Local legend Ifan Jones-Evans, already wearing goalie shorts and socks asked the manager if he could play in goal as he felt unwell. He was offered a Fisherman's Friend by Captain Schiavone but nobody knew what the hell Fisherman's Friend were so he just gave in and took off the goalie kit immediately.

In an entertaining game, neither team were entertaining. It was nice to have a referee that wasn't from the Wurzel Gummage county of Powys for a change, even if this local chap gave about 20 foul-throws against full back Wil Davey proving that it's not just girls that can't throw.

Bont XI took the lead through Ifan Jones-Evans who speared a shot in at a 45 degree angle from 2 yards which actually nearly missed. Within 2 minutes Newbridge were level, as keeper Rhodri Morgan gave away a penalty. No one really knows how a man with as much strength as a straw house managed to huff and puff and blow a player down but he did and the Newbridge number 7 who wore gloves scored the spot kick. Bont took the lead again through the superstitiously unshaven Owain Schiavone who scrambled home a ball which bounced aimlessly around the penalty area like Sandra Bullock in Gravity. 

Unsurprisingly, it remained 2-1 to Bont throughout the whole of halftime. After some strong tea, weak orange squash, a sit down, limited chat focusing mainly on how Newbridge didn't want to be here, Bont XI went out for the second half aiming to keep things tight. It appeared that Newbridge clearly did want to be in the paradise of Bont as they somehow scored 3 goals in the first 5 minutes of the half to lead 4-2. The ref then noticed that the away side had made 2 substitutions without telling him and booked both new arrivals, who were made to feel as welcome as genital warts on a porn film set. Bont were then bent over and made to suffer as Newbridge scored another 3 goals during hailstones, sideways wind and rain. 3 of the 6 second half goals were shots caught in the wind from over 30 yards and no blame can be placed on anyone. The other 3, many people can be, an were blamed. 

As the game drew to a close, someone asked the ref how was long left "About 7 minutes" came the answer as he begrudgingly took his hands out of his pockets to look at his watch, and then he blew his whistle straight away to end the game. 7 minutes my arse, what a liar!

More cups of tea followed, along with some actual teamwork to take off soaking wet shirts. Everyone got a scalding in the showers that only Satan could bathe in which turned full back Dan Morgans bright pink. 

Today's post-match meal in the Red Lion was a cracker - a nice chicken curry, rice, popadoms and chunks of white cheddar. The only positive so far this festive season is that the Bont XI 2014 naked calendar is selling well. Please contact any of the players if you'd like to purchase one for £5 with all the money going to the MS Society and Prostate Cancer UK.

Final Score - Bont XI 2 - Newbridge in Wye 7

#SaysItLikeItIs
#FoulThrows
#LyingRef
#FishermansFriend
#BontXI

Awdur / Author: Ceri Jenkins