Kerry 3 - 1 Bont

Kerry may well be a girls name, but it's also a village near Newtown that has a poor football team. It is occasionally used as a boys name too.

Bont XI vs Kerry on paper is as attractive as a 40 stone woman's online dating profile. Both teams having only won 1 league game all season. 

When Bont arrived, there was a strange old man who looked like a mole putting cones out on the pitch. He was the coach of Kerry FC, and had accidentally put the corner flags in the wrong place. They were sort-of near the corner, but in line with the penalty box instead of the dead ball line. It must have had something to do with his very small eyes.

Premier League clubs get a whole new strip to wear for each new season but this is far from the case in the 4th tier of Welsh Football. Bont Chairman Dicky Mint was far too excited to announce that next year Bont XI will have new socks to wear. A sample sock was passed around like an ugly baby at a christening, frowned upon by all and thrown on the floor a few times. Dicky Mint added that it's all well and good having top quality socks, but the problem is having no top quality feet to go in them.

After a warm up of dynamic stretching (which is basically dancing) and kicking the ball over the goal into the river, Bont lined up in a numerically dyslexics' countdown formation. 4-2-3-1. 15 minutes in Bont took the lead when a corner bounced in planet-sized striker Gethin Evans's orbit and went in off the defender. Own goal and 1-0 to the away side.

It only takes a second to score is a common phrase in football. If that's the case, then it took Kerry 2 seconds to equalise and take the lead. Their first came from a penatly after full back Ian Lee kicked the Kerry number 10 in the guts in the box and their second came from a long ball over the top to impressive number 11 who outpaced long-distance walker Douglas Cowie to score past Bont keeper Rhodri Morgans.

The second half was 2 way traffic. Both teams had chances. Bont produces some marvellous last ditch tackles and there were more blocks than on level 27 of Tetris. Passions ran high, as striker Trevor Jenkins lost out in a swearing competition with manger/goalkeeper Rhodri Morgans. Nobody knew what the argument was about as it was in Bont Welsh, but the referee asked them both to calm down. Defender Ceri Jenkins tried to help both out by explaining that they were just discussing how much time was left but the ref was having none of it. He said 
"I know that time in Welsh is amser. All I understood from those two was fuck and bullshit"

Once the swearing stopped, Bont started to press. Their best chance fell to free-kick specialist Andrew Gilbert, who despite scoring 2 free-kicks in his last 2 games was told by Bont chairman Dicky Mint to let someone else have a go. He took it himself but it was saved low down by Kerry keeper.

Kerry scored again late on when the Bont defence found themselves outnumbered more than a girl in a gang-bang. A scruffy shot from the Kerry number 11 bobbled its way into the net and the game ended 3-1.

The showers were warm for about 5 minutes and then typically went cold. Needing to warm up, midfielder Sion Jones couldn't resist putting his cock through a hole in the wooden floor for the simple reason that it would make a good Facebook profile picture. Thankfully, nobody took that photo.

Quote of the day goes to the gaffer Rhodri Morgans. Someone asked why centre half Gwynfryn Fingers Hughes wasn't playing. Morgans explained how it was his wife's birthday or something and his advice to everyone as manager was to
"Find a girl who's birthday is in the off season - or one who doesn't have their birthday on a Saturday" - Genius.

Final Score - Kerry 3 Bont XI 1

#SaysItLikeItIs
#NewSocks
#CornerFlags
#BontXI

Awdur / author: Ceri Jenkins